Now this's what I like!

One of the longer pieces by Raw Hide, it establishes him as a scammer, and a fighter. It also introduces a new Elite 7 member and does it's best to put him over as a real threat, as per instructions for the Elite 7.

I kinda like the fitting off color humor for Raw. Funny payoff line at the end. Even a Seinfield reference! Plus, of course, there's the interaction with the Penguin Mafia, for reasons you'll read.. we had fun with that little 'alliance' at the Mission Finale, and even into the next mission's Rollover. Although as you can see here, he's not the most noble hero most of the time, Raw's got some serious potential for depth, and this mission captured that better than his other mission work so far, I believe. It's also nice seeing more conversation in a Raw Hide piece than usual. Change of pace and all that.

Do be so kind as to check out this roleplay, subtitled "Rivals, allies, and odd happenings."

language warning

I feel funny anymore. I have this feeling of longing and also a feeling of completeness. It’s almost like that feeling after you sneeze. You feel relieved and dirty all at the same time. I think it might have something to do with my new attitude on life. This feeling of desire to break my new code of conduct mixed with the completeness of social skills is just weird.

Anyway back to my story. I believe I was headed to the mafia’s base. Well, obviously they won’t just let you walk in there. So I did some recon and found out that the morons had just decided to rebuild their old base which we destroyed. So what do I do? I casually walk on up and see my self in. Well that was the plan at least.

As I approached the penguin’s place one of the 5 guards there approached me. "Hey, buddy, I think it would be unwise for you to continue your endeavors to intrude here at this site. For your own protection, it is best that you turn around and make like a tree, capice?" I had no idea who that guy was. I could have kicked there asses no problem. I knew that for a fact as I have in the past slaughtered plenty of their kind.

“Well I think you might want to know a little something about the knob goblins. So go scram and tell yo boss that if he wants the info, he gotta let me in.” I never claimed that I spoke fluent penguineese. Well I waited around for about 3 hours til finally they let me in. “I love what you’ve done with the place.” It was really a joke for me since they didn’t know I was among those who trashed the place. “Yeah I know a guy who knows a guy with a cousin who did the work fa real cheap.” I snickered a bit but not too much. I was starting to think he was into gay incest or something.

So then they let me in to a room where a big fat mob penguin sat behind a desk. “So yous got some info about those goblins who broke my door?” I simply responded “Yup.” The fat penguin sat up leaning his chubby hands on the desk. Or are those fins or flippers or something? Oh well. Any who, he said to me “Well spit it out then.” Now was my big chance. I had rehearsed this speech over and over on my way through the mountains. I had it all down packed. It was just like when I asked out my first girlfriend.

“Well, sire. Um,.." Ugh…Shit. I forgot that the first girl I asked did cause me to stumble through the speech and forget the whole thing. The end result was I got slapped and chased down by her older brother then he gave me a public hanging by my underpants.

I excused myself and then with a cough I decided to wing it. “Sir, you and I have a common enemy. Recently, I heard tell of what happened to you and your fellow penguins. I am sorry that me and mine could not have been there in your time of need. However, I am requesting that you be there in my time of need. I received word that the knob goblins are attempting to make themselves a name in the kingdom by spreading out onto new territory. They have chosen these mountains.” I was rudely interrupted. “You means that those no good dirty rat luvas are invading my turf?!?” At that moment his assistant started talking in his ear to calm him. “My apologies. Please forgive my outburst whiles you spoke.”

“No problem at all.” I hate being interrupted. “Well, they figure, what better way to get a home then by stealing the Toot Oriole’s? They figure that with them living in Toot’s home they can guide all of the new adventurers into believing that the knob goblins are the best. We can’t have that. I refuse to let those innocent people be brainwashed by those heathens. So, I came to ask for your assistance. Please help me to strike at them before they can mobilize to these mountains. If we do them enough harm at their own base, the cobb’s knob, they will have to rebuild there and not in our mountains.”

“So let me get this straight. You, Mr. Big Tough Guy, want me order my boys to take out the goblins so’s they don’t come messin’ in my mountains? Yous gonna help my boys attack the knob, the dwelling of those filthy vermin who done broke my door and killed my men?” This guy seemed like he needed the full scope. “Yes sir, I am here to help you exact your revenge on those horrible things that dared to even step foot not only in your mountains but also in your own home. If your men attack the knob, I will be there beside you. You start the attack and I will be there shortly after.”

“Good then we will see you there. Now please don’t be a stranger neighbor. We will see you at the knob soon.”

I left that meeting feeling better than ever. I was a neighbor!!! This social thing might pay off for me more than anything I had ever done before. I just grabbed a new ally.

On my way back down the mountains home, a warm tingly feeling entered me. Was this friendship? I thought I was insane. Turns out it was just my bladder. I wet myself. Then not seconds (maybe hours) later, a black cat crossed my path. I thought shit bad luck. Then I saw something else. This was no ordinary cat. This cat was huge. A behemoth among cats. It must have stood 4 feet from the top of it’s back to the earth it walked on. Then add the fact that it was dressed in spiky bad-ass armor and this was one pimped out cat and my luck was really shitty. Then I noticed one more awkward fact about this particular black cat. A knob goblin was perched atop this giant black cat like a knight atop his horse. An ugly knight but a knight nonetheless. He had a huge club in one hand, a large bow on his back, a helmet that looked like someone threw up and it solidified on his head, and he had two short spears jutting out of his cat’s head plate.

I felt that longing turn into desire and then to will. I was ready to throw down with this goblin. “Halt, Raw Hide. I am Grillhamo, member of the elite seven. We are the best of the knob goblin warriors. I suggest you cease your quest to stop us. I promise you no harm if you can promise me you will not attack me or any of my goblins. I must warn you that I am our cavalry master. I personally train each and every one of the cavalry in the knob.”

He had to be kidding. “Oh yeah. Well if you guys are so great then how come I’ve never seen or heard of you?”

“Hey enough of the wise-cracks. The Black Forest is a recent development. Where do you think these black panthers came from? For the love of Pete! Every freakin time I do something awesome, some big jerk has to go and tear me down. Well no soup for you buddy. Men, attack!” With that, 5 goblins, not as well spoken or as well armed as Grillhamo came lunging from the rocks and trees. I was taken by surprise especially since I only had my sword. Well I side stepped one guy who ended up tripping his cat over a pebble and careening face first into the rock I was standing by. The second guy tripped his cat over his shoe laces which caused him to tangle up two of the others and the cats’ fangs and the swords and stuff just made a bloody mess. That left the one guy. I made quick work of him. As I stood surveying my work, I saw two objects straddle my head. I turned around to find the giant cat glaring at me. The two objects were the spears on its head.

The cat pounced, knocking me to the ground and propelling itself forward. It came back in another sweeping run. The rider had his club at the ready. He came in swinging. I caught his club with my sword. The impact nearly threw me into the claws of an unconscious black panther. I’m sure his arm was feeling it too. His club was in ruins but my sword was lodged into it pretty deeply as well. He dropped his club and reached for his bow. I dropped the club/sword combo and prepared to dodge his shots. He expertly aimed for my feet. Luckily I was able to move fast enough to not get shot in the foot. However, my shoes were stuck to the ground. He fired more and I was pinned. He drew his axe and came towards me. I had no where to go and no way to defend myself.

Then a miracle happened. “I like you Raw Hide. You have spirit. You fight well too. I’ll let you go this time. However, don’t expect the same treatment from me next time. Cheerio!”

Let me tell you something. That was embarrassing. I can’t wait till the penguins go in and kick his ass. That will make all of this sooooo worth it. But hey, I just met the first Goblin to ever be able to form a complete sentence.