Rereading over this one always makes me smile.

Konall and Kadlin are back in action. Note that this takes place after the second part of the Live RP, which will be posted soonafter. The humor really comes to the forefront and the three- the siblings and Spaz- interact quite well in this one, giving us a good deal of witty banter. Although they were both in the last mission, this is the mission the Bearsmashers really start making their mark on AiL!

Konall and Kadlin looked at the town as fire spread from building to building, destroying everything in its path.

Konall said, “You thinking what I’m thinking?”

“The seige of Blarnsfast?” said Kadlin.

“Yeah. Good times. One of my favorite pillages.”

“I remember it. Of course, it wasn’t one of my favorites.”

“Why?” asked Konall. “Was the combat not grueling enough to satisfy your Viking blood?”

“I was made official ‘mead wench’ in charge of distributing booze to the soldiers. Of course, I wasn’t allowed to actually carry kegs of mead. But I could carry glasses of it. If I did them one at a time. They didn’t want me to strain myself.” Kadlin mimed angrily beating someone’s brains out with a staff.

“My condolences. You’re a fine warrior. Um… you know. For a woman. Who has to use magic instead of real fighting.”

“Thanks,” said Kadlin. “I know that, in your own way, that was supposed to be a compliment.”

“I suppose we should save the town. When it’s your own homeland burning, it’s just not as funny.”

“Right,” said Kadlin. “You see that water tower over there? I need you to knock it down so it falls on the shopping district.”

“Because it’s the most vulnerable?”

“I saw the most terrific shoes there earlier today. I don’t want to waste them.”

“Right,” said Konall.

“Spaz can eat the flames in front of you. Meanwhile, Fluffy and I will try to put out the fires that are coming near the houses to the east. There’s still people escaping.”

Spaz said “I can only eat so much fire. And then I also have a habit of- who wants marshmallows?”

“Spaz has a good point,” said Kadlin, “His attention span’s going to be an issue.”

“Why do you give the orders?” asked Konall.

Kadlin said, “Because I’m smarter than you.”

“Good point.”

“No time to waste. Well, okay, 15 minutes for looting. But that’s it.”

“Gotcha.”

* * *

Kadlin ran, carrying Xanadon the Destroyer. “Xanny,” she said, “I need you to whip up a potion that puts out fires.”

“I am evil. Helping avert disaster is not what I do.”

“There’s a fire here that’s going to kill you.”

“I stick by my principles.”

“Oh, and the blaze called you gay. I heard it. Just want you to know that I support your lifestyle choice.”

“It did what?” said Xanadon. “I’ll show it. Get me my alembic!”

* * *

Spaz said “I can’t eat any more fire.”

Konall “It’s okay. We’re at the water tower. I’ll start breaking down the supports. Now there’s something very important I need you to do. You see the pet store that’s on fire, the one with the frightened kittens and puppies?”

“Yes.”

“See if you can find any meat in the cash register before it burns down.”

“Can I at least let the animals out.”

“Hippie.”

Konall’s axe went into the first support. Once, then again, and again, and again. His muscles bulged and strained, but they were in excellent condition. This wouldn’t even be a chore. It’d be a light workout and he’d save a large part of the town.

* * *

Kadlin conjured stinking tentacles to smother the flames that were building. She looked at Xanadon. “Done yet?”

“I got it,” the box said, tossing her a vial of clear liquid.

Kadlin threw it at the flames. It broke, sizzled, and put out a small section. “That vial,” she said “your anti-fire potion? That was just plain water wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“I expected better from you.”

A mass of goblins came around the corner. Twenty, maybe thirty, Kadlin wasn’t sure. She ducked inside a building and hid. Charging up her hellgate spell, she peeked out a window.

One of the goblins looked at the leader. “Well I say we head back. Our orders are old. This whole place is burning. We need to go back. What possible argument do you have for staying here?”

The goblin commander used the famous goblin debating technique known as ultima ratio espada also known as “no one argues with a sword,” cutting off the dissenter’s head in one blow.

“Now,” said the leader, “unless anyone would like to submit another formal complaint to the grievance committee, I want you thugs to get out there and kill anyone you find. We’re not retreating until we’re done.”

Kadlin loosed the hellgate. Red lines of force and intricate runes mapped out a pentagram on the ground. Gates formed at each of the five points, releasing hordes of frightening demons. The goblins’ spirits were broken and their pants wettened as aspects of pure terror tore through them, slashing and dragging the weak down to the pits of Hey Deze. But only six of them were killed, and many of those remaining didn’t even have a scratch.

As the gates faded, the shadow of a massive demon, wreathed in flame, appeared on a nearby wall. “I am the infernal lord of Hey Deze, prince Ba’al himself, come to claim your souls. Ease your suffering by taking your own lives now, before I unleash the sheer essence of pain upon you, body, mind and soul.”

The goblins fled, dropping weapons, shields, and in one case pants as they fled the scene. Spaz burped.

“Nice bluff,” said Kadlin “Your voice sounds a lot deeper when you’re full.”

“Yeah,” replied Spaz “I noticed that too.”

“What are you doing here anyway?”

“Konall sent me to check on you.”

“Well, tell him I’m fine.”

Spaz left. Kadlin turned back to the fire. Here was an opponent that couldn’t be reasoned with, deceived, or bargained with. It knew no weakness. How did you stop a force of nature?

* * *

Konall continued to chop at the first support. What was it made out of? Ironwood? Well, it wouldn’t be too much longer. Nothing could stand against the strength of a fearsome Viking warrior.

* * *

“Eureka!” shouted Xanadon. “I have crafted the ultimate potion of sleaze. With sleaze’s natural strength against hot, we should be able to put out at least three city blocks’ worth of fire with each of these four potions.”

“That’s great,” said Kadlin. “Where’d you get the ingredients for that? It would have taken objects of the utmost filth to make those kind of potions.”

“Well, I was rooting around in Catrina’s toy drawer, doing something completely innocent whose exact nature escapes my memory at the moment. And then-”

“There will be punishment for this.”

“I’m an undead skull, enslaved against my will, trapped in a wooden box. How can my life possibly be worse.”

“When this is over you’re going to be an undead skull, enslaved against your will, trapped in a box of sunshine when I get done.”

“No! The bright happiness. I couldn’t take it.”

Kadlin ignored him and looked out at the fire. She lobbed one of the potions at an enflamed building, and a wave of purple sleaze washed over the area, leaving a small smolder in place of a raging inferno.

Xanadon said “I have the strangest urge to make a ‘that’s what she said’ joke.”

“Next time, take cover. You’re lucky to be alive. And we’re lucky that Catrina’s such a-”

A fist knocked Kadlin into a wall, taking the wind from her lungs. The remaining potions scattered across the ground. Kadlin rose weakly to gaze at her attacker.

In front of her was 9 feet of muscle, loosely arranged into the shape of a goblin. It was probably an experiment from the goblins’ lab. Something like “What if we took a goblin, and instead of giving him food, we gave him steroids. And then made him exercise. A lot.” The beast was using a support pillar as a club. It’s tough to face an enemy when his weapon weighs more than you do.

Kadlin recovered and sent tentacles wrapping around the creature, trying to trip it, bring it to its knees, and hit it while it was down. But the beast was agile in a way it had no right to be, and it nimbly kept its balance.

She couldn’t leave without the potions. And she was out of magic power. Her staff would do nothing against this foe. All she had left were her potions. She lobbed a spider web potion at the beast, then another. The webs latched on to buildings on both sides of the street, with enough force to actually lift the monster a foot off the ground and cocoon it in a case of webbing. But Kadlin barely had time to adopt a smug smirk before she heard ripping, the twanging of breaking fibers, and the thud of a giant goblinesque creature hitting the ground.

Kadlin searched through her vocabulary for the perfect swear words before finally settling on “cow-fondling bjornspawn.”

Kadlin hit the ground as it threw a carriage at her, horses included. She looked through her potions, selecting a rat form potion, and throwing it at the beast. It broke on the behemoth’s skin, but it was too big of a creature to affect. As she pulled out the next, it scooped a hand around her, completely enveloping her. She knew that all the beast had to do was squeeze and she’d be dead. It squeezed.

An honorable death against a worthy opponent is the main goal of any good Viking warrior. Kadlin longed for Valhalla from the deepest depths of her heart. But that longing didn’t mean she was opposed to drinking a rat form potion so she could fit between a hulking freak’s fingers and escape certain doom.

As the rodent Kadlin ran around, it searched for the potions and ran for the nearest one as quickly as it could. Goblinzilla was hot on her tail, its massive feet sounding her impending doom via squishing. She got to the potion when the foot came down hard. But she positioned herself well, slipping in between the toes. She had also positioned the goblin’s foot, and the potion well. Sleaze exploded in a wave of slimy oil. The goblin tripped, its massive bulk slamming it against unyielding cobblestones. Kadlin shrugged off her rat form and opened up a newt form potion. It wouldn’t be strong enough to transform just by hitting the creature’s skin. But potions like this were more effective when drunk, and she poured it down the beast’s throat. Ten tons of goblin turned into two ounces of newt.

Squish.

* * *

“I finished looting the store,” said Spaz.

“That’s nice,” Konall replied.

“I also rescued the animals, talked to Kadlin, saved her, and torched a goblin grunt. I investigated something shiny, hoping for a meatgem. It was just a bottle cap. Then I lit some goblins on fire with the power of rock, ate an interesting bug, rescued two fair maidens and one who was a bit of a witch (a mean one, not a magic user), redirected the water lines to put out the northern quadrant, and helped a a group of civilians escape from the city safely. It’s been a busy three hours.”

“I see.”

“You still working on that first support?”

“You could help.”

“You could be less of a wimp.”

“You’re really starting to make me mad,” said Konall.

“Well, I appreciate your work. I never want to see the city burn down without having a good supply of splinters.”

Konall flew into a rage, berserking and smashing the battered support to pieces. He moved on to the next and started reducing it to kindling. Between blows he realized that Spaz was just getting his goat so he’d berserk and finish the job. But he didn’t care. As the last of his fury waned, a pack of goblins approached.

“Surrender petty human,” the goblin commander said.

Konall looked at them. “What happened to your weapons?”

“We decided to go with whatever we could find.”

“And your shields?”

“We don’t need them.”

“And where are that guy’s pants?”

“It’s a long story. Drop your weapon and give up.”

Konall surveyed their numbers. Too many to fight, even if each one was a weaker opponent. He ran and they followed. Suddenly, he turned and stopped.

“You know,” said Konall “I’ve been working on that water tower for three hours, and it was one axe stroke away from falling over. Even half a stroke. I’m not going to give up.”

“You’ll die before you finish.”

Konall threw a hatchet as with all of his might. It soared past the commander’s head, through the ranks of goblins, and landed right where he wanted it, in the support pillar. The goblins turned as one to face the tower as it crashed on them, squishing all but one. The last survivor turned back around and said “I’m invincib-” before a Viking axe sent him to the next life.

The tower burst and created a river that quenched fires and swept up everything in its path. It carried Konall twenty blocks and landed him at Kadlin’s feet.

“About time,” she said.

“This, this is why I never take baths. Something like this always happens.”

“Come on,” said Kadlin. “There’s still a lot of city to save.”

“I know. Still. Save the city. Don’t pillage. It just doesn’t feel right when someone else is doing the invading.”